The Hooker
by Pjazz
Summary: A hooker causes trouble for Elaine. Jerry has oral problems. Kramer juices his meals and George contemplates his final resting place.


The Hooker  
A Seinfeld fan's script by Pjazz  
2003  
INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND KRAMER  
KRAMER IS USING JERRY'S JUICER. THE NOISE IS IRRITATING JERRY, READING A NEWSPAPER.  
JERRY  
Are you going to be much longer?   
  
KRAMER  
Nearly there, Jerry. Oh boy, you're going to love this.  
  
JUICER NOISE. KRAMER POURS GREEN JUICE INTO A GLASS.  
  
KRAMER  
Here you go, buddy. Taste this.  
  
JERRY TAKES A SIP  
  
JERRY  
Kramer, that's disgusting. What the hell's in it?  
  
KRAMER  
Broccoli, cabbage, alfafa, wheatgerm and some of Newman's leftover cantaloupes.  
  
JERRY  
Here. Take it.  
  
KRAMER DRINKS  
  
KRAMER  
Hmm! 100 percent goodness. In a glass. Martha Stewart swears by it.  
  
JERRY  
I feel like swearing myself.  
  
BUZZER SOUNDS  
  
JERRY  
Who is it?  
  
ELAINE  
It's me.  
  
GEORGE  
And me.  
  
JERRY  
C'mon up.  
  
KRAMER  
Try some more.  
  
JERRY  
I'm a big boy now. I eat solids.  
  
KRAMER  
Not me, Jerry. Un huh. From now on all my meals are gonna be juiced. Tastes better.   
And it saves me time.  
  
JERRY  
Saves time for you to what? Sleep?  
  
DOOR OPENS. ELAINE AND GEORGE ENTER. ELAINE IS ANNOYED.  
  
ELAINE  
I just cannot believe you said that, George.  
  
GEORGE  
It was an observation. A throwaway remark. An offhand comment.  
  
ELAINE  
It was an insult is what it was.  
  
JERRY   
What's going on?  
  
GEORGE  
It's no big deal.  
  
ELAINE  
No big deal? George mistook me for a hooker.  
  
GEORGE  
I did not mistake you for a hooker. There was a woman on the kerb outside.   
Short brunette. I thought it was Elaine.  
  
ELAINE  
Wearing leather thigh boots and a basque?  
What, you think Petermans doesn't pay me enough I gotta turn tricks?  
  
GEORGE  
Ok, I made a mistake. Enough already.  
  
ELAINE  
You're damn right you made a mistake, mister.  
  
KRAMER  
You two talking about Lola?  
  
GEORGE  
You know her?  
  
KRAMER  
Lola? Sure. This is her patch. She's a good kid.  
  
JERRY  
Kramer, she's a hooker.  
  
KRAMER  
Doesn't make her a bad person.   
  
ELAINE  
It's against the law, Kramer.  
  
KRAMER  
Sure it's against the law. But it doesn't make her a criminal.  
  
JERRY  
(TO ELAINE) You gonna explain, or shall I?  
  
KRAMER  
I'll prove it.   
  
KRAMER OPENS A WINDOW  
  
KRAMER  
Hey Lola! C'mon up here a minute, would ya? Yeah. Jerry's apartment.  
  
JERRY  
Kramer, what are you doing? I don't want a hooker in my apartment.  
  
KRAMER  
What's the matter, Jerry? Think you're too good for her? Too respectable?  
  
JERRY  
Frankly, yes.  
  
DOOR OPENS. LOLA ENTERS. A PRETTY BRUNETTE WEARING THIGH BOOTS AND BEASQUE.   
SHE'S CHEWING GUM.  
  
LOLA  
Hi.  
  
KRAMER  
Hey Lola. C'mon in. Meet everybody. This is Jerry, George and Elaine.  
  
GEORGE  
So, Lola, how's tricks?  
  
ELAINE  
George!  
  
LOLA  
You the comedian lives here?  
  
JERRY  
No, that's me.  
  
LOLA  
Yeah? Go ahead, funny man. Tell me a joke. Make me laugh.  
  
JERRY  
Actually I'm more of an observational comedian.  
  
LOLA  
Observational, huh? Like, what's the deal with such and such, sorta thing?  
  
JERRY  
Yeah.  
  
LOLA  
I know the type. Wpouldn't last 2 minutes out on the street.  
  
KRAMER  
Now Lola, Jerry's been on Letterman. Show her your scrapbook, buddy.  
  
JERRY  
I don't think so.  
  
LOLA  
(TO ELAINE) Nice shoes.  
  
ELAINE  
Thank you.  
  
LOLA  
I was being sarcastic. Two tone brogues? What, you inherit them from your dead grandfather?  
  
ELAINE  
Excuse me? What did you just say?  
  
LOLA  
You heard. Gotta go. Nice meeting you all. Later, Kramer. (EXITS)  
  
GEORGE  
Nice meeting you, Lola.  
  
ELAINE  
George!  
  
KRAMER  
So what d'you think? Is she a great kid or what?  
  
ELAINE  
Kramer, she was very rude and insulting. And these are very fashionable shoes.  
  
JERRY  
Wouldn't last 2 minutes on the street! Who does she think she is? Little Miss Street Cred?  
  
GEORGE  
I liked her. She didn't insult me at all.  
  
ELAINE  
Hey! Where's my purse?  
  
JERRY  
What's up?  
  
ELAINE  
I left my purse by the door. Now it's gone.  
  
JERRY  
You sure you had it with you?  
  
ELAINE  
Of course I'm sure. Ha! You don't think....?  
  
KRAMER  
Think what?  
  
ELAINE  
That hooker stole my purse!  
  
KRAMER  
Now, now Elaine.  
  
ELAINE  
Don't now now me, you doofus. Your pal the hooker insults my shoes, which I might add I did not inherit from my dead grandfather, then she steals my purse.  
  
KRAMER  
I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. If Lola has your purse I'll get it back for you.  
  
ELAINE  
You better. I've got some important documents from Petermans in there.  
  
GEORGE  
I think she liked me, did you notice?  
  
ELAINE  
Oh boy.  
INT. DAY. MONK'S. JERRY AND GEORGE.  
  
GEORGE  
My parents have really stuck it to me this time, Jerry.  
  
JERRY  
Your parents? What'd they do?  
  
GEORGE  
Yesterday they went out and bought burial plots. Adjacent burial plots. Not 1. Not 2. 3.3, Jerry.  
  
JERRY  
You mean..?  
  
GEORGE  
That's right, my friend. I, George Costanza, get to spend eternity next to my parents. Not a weekend every few months. Eternity. the whole enchilada.  
  
JERRY  
That's bad.  
  
GEORGE  
It's not enough they ruin my life, they've got to blight my afterlife as well?  
  
JERRY  
Aren't you overlooking something? They're not gonna outlive you. When they die, sell the extra plot. Bury yourself someplace else. Somewhere far, far away.  
  
GEORGE  
Yeah. Yeah, you're right, Jerry. I always fancied somewhere close to the ocean. A nice plot with a sea view. Good climate. Sea breeze.  
  
JERRY  
You're gonna be dead, George. Not on vacation.  
  
GEORGE  
Hang on. Suppose I drop down dead tomorrow from a heart attack? Or get hit by a meteorite?  
  
JERRY  
What are the odds?  
  
GEORGE  
Jerry, promise me if anything happens you won't let my parents bury me.  
  
JERRY  
Me? What am I supposed to do?  
  
GEORGE  
You could kidnap my body from the morgue.  
  
JERRY  
And what? Hide your putryfying corpse in my apartment? You're out of your mind.  
  
ELAINE ARRIVES.  
  
ELAINE  
Hey.  
  
GEORGE  
Elaine, if it's not too personal, mind if I ask where you're planning on being buried?  
  
ELAINE  
Buried? I'm not being buried. The worms? The cold, dank soil? No way, Jose. Cremation. That's the way to go. I'm gonna have my ashes scattered in Jamaica. Montego Bay. I went there once. Beautiful, beautiful place. That's Laney's last resting place, boys.  
Paradise, Caribbean style.  
  
GEORGE  
Montego Bay? That sounds pretty good. Perhaps I'll do that.  
  
ELAINE  
No. No. It's my idea. You can't steal my idea.  
  
GEORGE  
What's the difference? It's a big ocean. There's room for us both.  
  
ELAINE  
George, I don't want your ashes mingling with my ashes.  
  
GEORGE  
Oh so what? The Costanza ashes aren't good enough to mix with the Benes ashes?   
Oh we're good enough, baby!  
  
ELAINE  
But it's my idea! It's not fair.  
  
GEORGE  
Yeah well, life ain't fair why should death be any different?  
  
JERRY  
Could we stop with all the death talk.  
  
ELAINE  
I forgot. Jerry has a death phobia.  
  
JERRY  
I do not have a death phobia. I'd just rather not keep talking about it.  
  
GEORGE  
I just pray the Grim Reaper takes my parents before he takes me. God knows they deserve it.  
  
KRAMER ENTERS  
  
KRAMER  
Hey compadres!  
  
ALL  
Kramer.  
  
KRAMER  
Elaine, a little something for you, courtesy of Cosmo Kramer.  
  
KRAMER HANDS ELAINE HER STOLEN PURSE.  
  
ELAINE  
My purse!  
  
KRAMER  
Absolutely. And I think you'll find it's all still in there.  
  
ELAINE RUMMAGES IN PURSE.  
  
ELAINE  
You're right. This is amazing. Cash, cards, keys -- even my tampax.  
  
JERRY  
I guess there's no black market for tampax, huh?  
  
GEORGE  
What kind of hooker steals a purse but takes nothing?  
  
KRAMER  
An honest one, George. I told you, Lola's a good kid. She comes from a great family.  
  
JERRY  
What, she's just turning tricks to fill time before Swiss finishing school?  
  
ELAINE  
Hang on. My documents from work are missing.  
  
GEORGE  
What would she want with those?  
  
ELAINE  
Beats me. Not like they're valuable.  
  
JERRY  
I guess it'll always be one of life's unsolvable mysteries.  
INT. DAY PETERMAN'S OFFICE.   
  
  
J. PETERMAN AND LOLA, THE HOOKER. LOLA IS DRESSED SMARTLY BUT STILL SEXY.  
PETERMAN  
This is a very impressive resume, Miss ...Benes.  
  
LOLA  
Thank you. Lola Benes. Please, call me Lola.  
  
PETERMAN  
Lola. Are you any relation to Elaine Benes who works here?  
  
LOLA  
She's my sister. My older sister.  
  
PETERMAN  
I thought I saw a family resemblance.  
  
LOLA  
On behalf of the whole Benes family, we'd like to thank you, Mr Peterman, for looking after Elaine. Especially in view of her... past.  
  
PETERMAN  
Elaine has a past? I had no idea. Please, elucidate.  
  
LOLA  
Where to begin? The drinking, the men. In and out of mental institutions. We're just thankful she seems to be on an even keel now.  
  
PETERMAN  
Good lord!  
  
LOLA  
The last clinic helped her alot. It's mainly self-esteem issues. She was an ugly duckling. She especially resented me, the younger dare I say more attractive sister?  
  
PETERMAN  
If you don't say it I shall. You're ravishing Lola. I can quite see how your beauty would mess with Elaine's head.  
  
LOLA  
Inadvertantly, of course. Sometimes, to cope, she pretends she has no sister. It can be ....quite hurtful at times.  
  
PETERMAN  
There there, Lola. You mustn't blame yourself for Elaine's failings. Here at Peterman's I pride myself that the staff are one happy family. When you work for us you will find that out for yourself.  
  
LOLA  
You mean I get the job?  
  
PETERMAN  
Absolutely.  
  
ELAINE ENTERS  
  
ELAINE  
Mr Peterman, I need your signature....you!  
  
LOLA  
Hello Elaine. Long time no see.  
  
PETERMAN  
Elaine, I want you to show your sister around. Help her get settled in her new job.  
  
ELAINE  
Sister? She's not my sister, she's a----  
  
PETERMAN  
We'll have none of that nonsense, Elaine. Or I'll have you back in the clinic before you can say rubber walls.  
  
ELAINE  
But sir, please!  
  
PETERMAN  
No buts, Elaine. Now, Lola, perhaps you're free for lunch?  
  
LOLA  
Love to.  
  
ELAINE  
But, but, but, but...  
  
PETERMAN  
Dismissed, Elaine.  
INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT.  
JERRY AND ERIN, HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND.  
  
ERIN  
I hope you don't mind, Jerry. I borrowed your toothbrush.  
  
JERRY  
You used my toothbrush? That's ok. I was gonna get a new one anyway.  
  
ERIN  
Because of me?  
  
JERRY  
No, I was planning a ...spring clean.  
  
ERIN  
A spring clean of toothbrushes? Come on. I can't believe this.   
  
JERRY  
Erin...  
  
ERIN  
Don't Erin me, Jerry. Last night when we were making out it was ok for you to stick your tongue in my mouth. But use your precious toothbrush and suddenly I'm Typhoid Mary.  
  
JERRY  
You're exaggerating.  
  
ERIN  
Yeah? Exaggerate this. Goodbye, Jerry. Have a nice anti-septic life.  
  
JERRY  
Erin!  
  
ERIN LEAVES, PASSING ELAINE ENTERING.  
  
ELAINE  
Oh Hi, uh, Erin.  
  
ERIN  
Elaine.  
  
ELAINE ENTERS JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY DROPS THE USED TOOTHBRUSH IN THE TRASH.  
  
ELAINE  
Ah, Erin used your toothbrush. Bi-ii-ig mistake.  
Y'know, Jerome, there's a whole bunch of clinical psychologists out there just itching to write a thesis on you. It'd win the Nobel Prize for medicine.  
  
JERRY  
Uh huh.  
  
ELAINE  
Anyway, enough of your petty psychosis. Wait till you hear what happened to me.   
Remember that hooker stole my purse?  
  
JERRY  
Yeah.  
  
ELAINE  
She's working at Peterman's. We're sharing an office.  
  
JERRY  
Lola the hooker?  
  
ELAINE  
Yup. She used those work documents from my purse to convince Peterman she's experienced in publishing. And get this. She's pretending to be my sister.  
  
JERRY  
Your sister? Didn't you put Peterman straight?  
  
ELAINE  
Hah! She's got him wrapped round her little finger. Plus she's told everyone I'm some sort of loony tune. People look at me like I just escaped a strait jacket.  
  
JERRY  
I'm sure you're mistaken.  
  
ELAINE  
Am I? She's turning tricks in my office, Jerry. I'm convinced of it. I stepped out to get a coffee, she's going at it hot and heavy with the copying machine guy.  
  
DOOR FLIES OPEN. KRAMER ENTERS.  
  
KRAMER  
Hey.  
  
ELAINE  
Well well well. If it isn't Cosmo Kramer, the hooker's friend. Thanks to you your pal Lola's working at my office. She tells people I'm her nutso sister. What d'you think about that, huh?  
  
KRAMER  
Lola's got a job? There. Didn't I tell you she's a good kid.She's off the street.   
Trying to get ahead in life.  
  
ELAINE  
Kramer, she's...Ah, what's the use!  
  
KRAMER  
I need the juicer. I got mangos, papayas, cassovar fruit, Jerry. Man, this is one heap of goodness just waiting to be juiced.  
  
JERRY  
What are you going to do about Lola?  
  
ELAINE  
Wait her out I guess. We've got catalogue presentation tomorrow. No way she'll get away with that. Even Peterman'll see she's a fraud.  
  
SOUND OF JUICER. ELAINE EXITS.  
INT. DAY. CHEMIST SHOP.  
JERRY IS SHOPPING FOR A TOOTHBRUSH.  
  
HE BUMPS INTO ERIN.  
  
ERIN  
Why don't you watch where you're --- oh, Jerry.  
  
JERRY  
Oh hi, Erin.  
  
ERIN  
Listen, Jerry, about the other day. I think I may have over reacted. I'm sorry. (NOTICES TOOTHBRUSH) What's that?  
  
JERRY  
This? Oh it's nothing. You were saying?  
  
ERIN  
Is that a toothbrush? You're replacing the toothbrush I used, aren't you?  
  
JERRY  
No! It's the funniest thing. I come in for some razor blades and accidentally pick up a toothbrush. It could happen to anyone.  
  
ERIN  
Uh huh. Well don't stop there, Jerry. Here, buy some more in case your next girlfriend makes the same mistake I did. And some mouthwash. (ERIN PILES ITEMS ONTO THE COUNTER) Oh, and don't forget floss. And breath spray. Disinfectant. Mints. Am I forgetting something? Oh yes. Goodbye, Jerry.  
  
ERIN FLOUNCES OUT  
  
JERRY  
Erin! Wait, I can explain.  
  
CASHIER  
Two hundred twenty bucks and 23 cents.  
  
JERRY  
What? I only came in for a toothbrush.  
  
CASHIER  
Two hundred twenty bucks and 23 cents.  
  
JERRY  
You don't understand. I only want a new toothbrush. Not all this other junk.  
  
CASHIER  
Sir, you're holding up the line. Two hundred bucks and 23 cents.  
  
JERRY  
Alright! Alright!  
INT.DAY. PETERMANS.  
OFFICE CORRIDOR. STAFF STREAM PAST ELAINE'S OFFICE.  
  
ELAINE  
Joyce, what's happening? What's going on?  
  
JOYCE  
There was a meeting in Mr Peterman's office.  
  
ELAINE  
A meeting? No one told me about any meeting.  
  
JOYCE  
Your sister gave a great presentation. She was really up to speed.  
  
ELAINE  
She's not my sister. How many times do I have to tell you lunkheads.  
  
JOYCE  
Whatever.  
  
ELAINE  
Why did no one tell me about the meeting?  
  
JOYCE  
I guess you're out of the loop.  
  
ELAINE  
What? Out of the loop? No, no. Wait a minute. You don't get it.   
I can't be out of the loop. They're de-looping me? I can't be de-looped.  
I am the loop. Without me there is no loop. Understand?  
  
JOYCE  
Well, Lola's sure in tight with Mr Peterman. Wouldn't surprise me if there wasn't a promotion in the offing.  
  
ELAINE  
Promotion? Lola? That hooker? Oh no. This can't be happening.  
INT. DAY. MONKS. JERRY AND GEORGE.  
  
GEORGE  
You suppose Superman hides porn at the Fortress of Solitude?  
  
JERRY  
Porn at the Fortress of Solitude? Great place to hide porn. No chance of Ma and Pa Kent finding it there.  
  
GEORGE  
'Clark, my God. What are you reading? I thought you were a good boy.'   
See, that's why I could never be Superman.   
The Fortress of Solitude would be piled high with the stuff.  
  
ELAINE ENTERS. SITS OPPOSITE GEORGE.  
  
ELAINE  
George, I need you to do me a big favour.  
  
GEORGE  
Elaine, what are friends for?  
  
ELAINE  
I need you to have sex with Lola on my office desk.  
  
GEORGE  
Excuse me?  
  
JERRY  
That's what friends are for? Wow.  
  
ELAINE  
Remember when you had sex with your office cleaner? What happened next?  
  
GEORGE  
(SNORTS)I got fired, is what happened next.  
  
ELAINE  
Exactly. Lola will get fired.  
  
JERRY  
Lola still causing you trouble?  
  
ELAINE  
Jerry, she's turned the whole place against me. Know what they're calling me now?   
Loony Laney.  
  
JERRY  
Loony Laney? That's rough.  
  
GEORGE  
I don't know, Elaine. Sex with a hooker?  
  
ELAINE  
I'll pay you a 100 bucks.  
  
JERRY  
You'll pay the john to have sex with the hooker? Y'know Elaine, I'm not quite sure you understand the whole hooker-client relationship.  
  
GEORGE  
It's gonna take more than money.  
  
ELAINE  
What? Name it. I'll do anything.  
  
GEORGE  
Montego Bay.  
  
ELAINE  
Montego Bay? What's that mean?  
  
GEORGE  
It means I want exclusive rights to Montego Bay when it comes to our final resting places. Or no deal.  
  
ELAINE  
Ugh! Fine. Fine. Montego Bay's all yours. I hope you enjoy it.  
  
GEORGE  
Oh I intend to.  
INT. DAY. PETERMANS.  
ELAINE'S OFFICE. GEORGE AND ELAINE. GEORGE TESTS THE DESK.  
  
ELAINE  
What are you doing?  
  
GEORGE  
Testing the desk for friction.  
  
ELAINE  
Friction?  
  
GEORGE  
You see, Elaine, there's good friction and bad friction. Good friction is----  
  
ELAINE  
I know what good friction is, George.  
  
GEORGE  
Bad friction is when----  
  
ELAINE  
Stop. I don't want to know. I'll go get Lola. You take your clothes off.   
The sooner this is over the better.  
INT. DAY. PETERMAN'S OFFICE. LOLA AND PETERMAN.  
LOLA IS MASSAGING MR PETERMAN'S NECK.  
  
LOLA  
Your neck's all stiff.  
  
PETERMAN  
It's the stress, Lola. They don't pay me the big bucks for nothing.  
  
LOLA  
Y'know, if you came to my office I could really work on these muscles. All your muscles.  
CUT TO   
  
OFFICE CORRIDOR  
  
ELAINE  
Joyce, have you seen Lola?  
  
JOYCE  
Your sister's in Mr Peterman's office.  
  
ELAINE  
She's not my sister!  
  
JOYCE  
Whatever you say, Loony Laney.  
  
ELAINE  
And stop calling me Loony Laney!  
CUT TO  
  
MR PETERMAN'S OFFICE  
  
ELAINE  
Lola, can I speak to you a minute?  
  
LOLA  
Make it quick. Oh, and you might want to stay out of your office for a few hours.   
I'm giving Peterman a... massage. If you know what I mean.  
  
ELAINE  
What? No. You can't!  
  
LOLA  
Oh but I can.  
  
LOLA LEAVES  
  
ELAINE  
Omigod. George!  
INT. ELAINE'S OFFICE.  
  
MR PETERMAN ENTERS AND REMOVES HIS DRESSING GOWN. HE TURNS AND IS CONFRONTED BY GEORGE, WEARING BOXER SHORTS.  
  
THE TWO BEGIN TO SCREAM.  
INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND ELAINE.  
  
JERRY  
So Peterman fired Lola? Your plan worked. You must be very proud.  
  
ELAINE  
We-ll, it didn't quite go as planned, but yeah, Lola's out.   
She gave the copying machine guy the clap.  
  
JERRY  
How's George?  
  
ELAINE  
He's not returning my calls. He's punishing me by not talking to me.  
  
JERRY  
That he calls punishment?  
  
ELAINE  
I know. (LAUGHS)  
  
JERRY  
You still gonna give him Montego Bay?  
  
ELAINE  
Yup. I'll pick someplace else. Maybe Guam.  
  
JERRY  
Guam? Why Guam?  
  
ELAINE  
To be as far away from George as possible.  
  
DOOR FLIES OPEN. KRAMER ENTERS. HE HAS A PIZZA.  
  
KRAMER  
Hey. Check it out. Pizza from Tonio's. Ham, peppers, anchovies and mozzarella cheese.  
Moz-zar-rella!  
  
JERRY  
So you're back on solids?  
  
KRAMER  
Nope. This is going straight in the juicer.  
  
ELAINE  
Kramer, you can't juice pizza.  
  
KRAMER  
Oh I beg to differ.  
  
KRAMER JUICES PIZZA  
  
KRAMER  
Hmm! Looking good. Try some, Elaine.  
  
ELAINE  
No-oo-oo, thank you.  
  
KRAMER  
Jerry?  
  
JERRY  
I think you know my policy.  
  
KRAMER  
Well, bon appetit, muchachos.  
  
KRAMER DRINKS.   
  
JERRY  
How is it?  
  
KRAMER BEGINS TO CONVULSE  
  
KRAMER  
AAARRRGHH!  
  
KRAMER SPRINTS FOR THE BATHROOM  
  
ELAINE  
Kramer, you ok?  
  
SOUND OF KRAMER RETCHING  
  
JERRY  
That's a shame.  
EXT. DAY. MONTEGO BAY, JAMAICA. MANY, MANY YEARS LATER.  
IT IS POURING WITH RAIN.  
  
AN URN CONTAINING GEORGE'S ASHES IS LOADED ON A JEEP.  
  
AS THE JEEP DRIVES AWAY THE URN FALLS FROM THE TAILGATE.  
  
THE URN BREAKS AND THE ASHES ARE SLOWLY WASHED INTO THE GUTTER AND DOWN INTO THE SEWER.  
*****************************************************************  
  
THE END  
Enjoy the script? Let me know at pjazzer2000@yahoo.co.uk  
  
Or post a review at fanfiction.net 


End file.
